Thursday, July 23, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: BEIBEI IS DEAD

Beibei, the lovable blue Fúwá of Olympic fame and lead character of her self-titled cartoon television series, was brutally murdered and defiled by fellow Olympic mascots at the Beijing "Bird's Nest" Stadium. The grisly murder occurred in broad daylight in front of dozens of sobbing Chinese children and puzzled tourists, who watched helplessly as Beibei was ruthlessly beaten to death.

According to eye-witnesses accounts, the murder occurred during the initial warm-ups of a dance routine performed daily by the Fúwá's. As the adorable creatures stretched and chatted quietly amongst themselves, spectators report that Nini, the green Olympic mascot, began to push Beibei violently from behind. A scuffle quickly broke out amongst the group, with several Fúwá's ganging up on the visibly overpowered Beibei. Video obtained exclusively by this site shows Beibei laying tattered on the floor, with Nini throwing punches to her head and Jingjing apparently dry-humping Beibei's limp body. Yingying and Huanhuan can be seen to the side, perversely watching Jingjing's vile act.



A video shot moments after the grisly attack shows yet another scuffle break out amongst the Fúwá group, this time showing the Fúwá's attacking what appears to be a multi-colored, retarded cow thing. Officials have identified the cow as Fu Niu Lele, the official mascot of the Beijing Paralympic games. Video shows Nini violently headbutting Lele, while Yingying can be seen tugging the cow's tail and provocatively slapping it's rear. Later footage appears to show multiple Fúwá uncomfortably rubbing up against a spooked Lele.



Reports are still unclear as to what possessed the attacks. All four Fúwá have been taken into custody, where they will be subjected to the traditional Chinese legal process of having to use their fame and fortune to barter their way out of trouble. Police bribes are expected to begin at several million RMB each.

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