Stop Smoking Aid!!

So I started this blog a little over a year ago, and it has been my impression that virtually no one has followed it. Yeah, I knew some friends of mine would peruse it from time to time, but for the most part I had no expectations that any strangers would actually take the time to read what I've been passing off as a blog. Yet low and behold, while recently looking over some past blogs I've noticed that strangers have taken the time to comment on my pieces, meaning that people have somehow come across this site and cared enough to critique it. WOOHOO!! Unfortunately I haven't written anything in about two months, so I'm sure those readers have abandoned me and I'm back to writing to myself...

Anyways, here is a picture I took of an interesting vending machine I found at the Bird's Nest stadium that dispenses a "Stop Smoking Aid." I have no idea what the hell this stuff is, but 控烟贴 is translated to Tobacco Control Paste. That name just gives me the nauseating mental-image of an old Chinese guy brushing his teeth with this crap. But who knows, maybe this 10 RMB product really is a miracle elixir!


I was intrigued enough to try to find this product's availability online, and was actually able to find it sold on alibaba.com (a Chinese version of eBay). For only $54 USD (quite the markup), you can own this product that guarantees to cure you of smoking in 35 days or less with NO side-effects! Seeing that over two trillion cigarettes are consumed each year in China (making it the worlds largest smoking market) I certainly hope this product works! In the meantime, here's an interesting Xinhua article that seems to indicate that the government is looking into tighter smoking regulations. I'll believe that when it actually happens.

BREAKING NEWS: BEIBEI IS DEAD

Beibei, the lovable blue Fúwá of Olympic fame and lead character of her self-titled cartoon television series, was brutally murdered and defiled by fellow Olympic mascots at the Beijing "Bird's Nest" Stadium. The grisly murder occurred in broad daylight in front of dozens of sobbing Chinese children and puzzled tourists, who watched helplessly as Beibei was ruthlessly beaten to death.

According to eye-witnesses accounts, the murder occurred during the initial warm-ups of a dance routine performed daily by the Fúwá's. As the adorable creatures stretched and chatted quietly amongst themselves, spectators report that Nini, the green Olympic mascot, began to push Beibei violently from behind. A scuffle quickly broke out amongst the group, with several Fúwá's ganging up on the visibly overpowered Beibei. Video obtained exclusively by this site shows Beibei laying tattered on the floor, with Nini throwing punches to her head and Jingjing apparently dry-humping Beibei's limp body. Yingying and Huanhuan can be seen to the side, perversely watching Jingjing's vile act.



A video shot moments after the grisly attack shows yet another scuffle break out amongst the Fúwá group, this time showing the Fúwá's attacking what appears to be a multi-colored, retarded cow thing. Officials have identified the cow as Fu Niu Lele, the official mascot of the Beijing Paralympic games. Video shows Nini violently headbutting Lele, while Yingying can be seen tugging the cow's tail and provocatively slapping it's rear. Later footage appears to show multiple Fúwá uncomfortably rubbing up against a spooked Lele.



Reports are still unclear as to what possessed the attacks. All four Fúwá have been taken into custody, where they will be subjected to the traditional Chinese legal process of having to use their fame and fortune to barter their way out of trouble. Police bribes are expected to begin at several million RMB each.

Chinese Obstacle Course

In what appears to be an attempt by my kindergarten to help thin out the rapidly over-expanding Chinese population, a "game" has been created for the children that can only end in scraped knees, chipped teeth and presumably death. I'm assuming this "game" was approved by the former Police Chief turned grumpy Headmistress, who has decided to exact revenge on the brats who torment her daily by sending them through an obstacle course that is enjoyable only for her.

Yes, nothing says fun like running through an elaborate series of clear fish-wire hung at various heights with nothing but concrete underfoot! Want to make it more exciting? Pit students against one another in time-trials that encourage the children to run at dangerous speeds! Want to make it even MORE exciting? Invite their parents to cheer them on and put additional pressure on them to run full-speed into a tripwire!! Danger and excitement around every corner! It's wonderful fun for the whole family!! Enjoy:

The Chinese don't care about your Cotton Candy

Well I officially suck at posting on my blog. It appears this will be my first posting in over two months, but I do have a valid reason for all this- my computer sucks. I was down to literally 200 MB of free space, which completely froze up my computer. I couldn't upload music or pictures or anything. There were times I needed to plug in a flash disk just to give my computer enough memory to start up. Not good. Well I finally invested in a new shiny Mac, which is awesome but has resulted in my having no money at all. Lucky for me the job market is booming and I'm sure to make that money back in no time! Hurray!

Ok enough of my rambling. I'll keep this post short and just show you all this freshly uploaded photo I took at a cotton candy stand in Ritan Park. As you can see, the man making the candy was smoking a cigg and the ash was clearly falling into the cotton candy. Maybe that's why the cotton candy was more of a gray color than the traditional bright blue? You gotta love China's sanitation standards!

China is a Pedophiles Paradise!

I like to joke that China is a pedophiles paradise. Perhaps China isn't as welcoming a utopia as one would find in Saudi Arabia or other Arab nations, but it is still a great place for pedophiles to go. Why, you ask? Because everywhere you are in China, you will see exposed baby genitals. No matter what, as hard as I try to avoid seeing them, it seems that a child's package is always in plain sight. It's like the damn kids are taunting me, just standing there as their crotchless chaps expose their "goods" to the world.

In a move that is both cheap and environmentally friendly, Chinese parents have traditionally stayed away from having their only child wear diapers and instead prefer their offspring to wear pants with a slit running down the bottom. Very stylish! This slit allows for their child to easily pop a squat and take a dump or piss wherever they please! How many times have I had the joy of watching a child pee in public, or accidentally stepped in baby shit? Countless, and I can almost guarantee I'll get another peep-show tomorrow!

As a kindergarten teacher, I was blessed with countless encounters of public urination. The school was literally 10 feet away from the playground, but instead of running inside to take a leak, these children found it more convenient to go in front of the class. Public urination wasn't restricted to the boys, as the girls seemed to enjoy it just as much. Even grosser was the fact that the teachers would often assist the children in going to the bathroom. For the younger girls, the teachers would help by holding them off the ground and keeping their legs up as they peed; for the boys, some teachers would go as far as to hold their "wangs" up to ensure the boys didn't pee on themselves. Is that really necessary? Is that even legal?

Since we're on this topic I may as well post another pleasant story concerning the children and their public urination. Once while on a field trip to a local nursing home, the teachers announced that it was time for everyone to go to the bathroom. Normally it's fine for the kids to just pee on the ground, but since we were guests at this nursing home we needed to show a little class and civility. So instead of peeing on the ground the teachers pulled out several large plastic bags and invited the children to pee into them! I stood by horrified as the boys each took turns peeing into the same pee bag, with the expected spray and dribble landing on the teachers hands. For the girls, the teachers pulled out a plastic bin lined with the plastic bag, and the girls all took turns going into that. Soon the teachers were walking around with filled bags of urine, looking for a trash can to dispose of them. Gross!

Well there you have it- if seeing exposed gentiles floats your boat, or if watching children defecate on the sidewalk is your thing, then I invite you to discover the joys of China! 北京欢迎你!