SHUT UP WITH THE FIREWORKS ALREADY!!

OK so I've realized that the past few blog posts have started with me apologizing about not writing because I'm either sick or been vacationing or busy with work. Well I'm in the same boat again, but I'm declaring this the last apology I write for this site! HUZZAH! I am always going to be busy, and chances are I'm not going to have time to write here on a regular basis. Sorry. The truth is I probably don't have any readers who actually care that I haven't written in a few weeks/over a month, but if I do I'm sorry if the above statement offends you. Damn, that's technically another apology. Well whatever, I'm not apologizing for that apology.

Anyways, I hope you're happy China- you've finally gone ahead and gotten somebody killed with all your fucking fireworks! That's right, after weeks and weeks of listening to those damn, non-stop explosions I've finally had enough. I've snapped, and I am so glad that last night was the official end to Chunjie (the Spring Festival). Now don't get me wrong, the eve before Chunjie was one of the very coolest things I've ever witnessed and I would go as far as to say everyone should experience that once before they die. But when the fireworks continue non-stop for weeks after, it loses its appeal. I mean, if we were setting off 4th of July fireworks for weeks after the actual holiday, wouldn't you get a little tired of it? And its not like they're lighting fireworks only at night- these things are going off at 7 am right outside my window. There was this one old man who absolutely loved to wake up before the sun rose and start setting those things off. Well fuck you old man, not everyone loves the spring festival as much as you!

Anyways, as I said before, the fireworks finally claimed a casualty last night as a massive 40-story hotel in the process of being constructed went up in flames. Here's a link to the article on CNN, but the long and short of it is fireworks caught construction materials on fire and the thing went up in flames. One firefighter died and seven were wounded. Maybe if you had just stopped shooting those things after a few days, this wouldn't have happened. The good news is as of midnight last night it is now illegal to light fireworks in Beijing! Hurray, I can actually sleep in past 7 now!

I'll leave this posting with a video I took from a friend's rooftop during the eve of Chunjie- watch the whole thing through cause it really is cool. Enjoy!

The Chinese Don't Understand Christmas

The time has come for the first blog of the new year! Whoop! I was hoping to make this blog post as timely as possible, but my laziness has put an effective end to that... anyways, without further ado, here is a quick summary of Christmas in Beijing!

China has never really been a religious country, or at least not to the same degree as so many Western nations are. Buddhism grew into the religion it is today in large part because of the strong support it received from the Chinese Emperors, but it never swept the nation to the degree Christianity did in Europe (less than 1/5 of the nation considers itself Buddhist today). Both Confucianism and Taoism have strong histories in the nation, but most consider these 'schools of thought' as opposed to actual religions. And the rise of Communism certainly did plenty to hamper the practice of religion. Religion just isn't a popular thing here. You can imagine my surprise then when I discovered that the Chinese seemed more obsessed and excited about the arrival of Christmas than I was.

The Chinese have absolutely no idea what Christmas is all about. They have no idea it has anything to do with Christianity. This is the very definition of an export holiday: the Chinese have taken the commercialized portions of the holiday and exploited it even further in their attempt to 1.) be more Westernized and 2.) make more money off the allure of acting Western. One couldn't go anywhere without seeing pictures of Santa Claus hanging up on the walls and classic Christmas carols dubbed over in Chinese. People were wishing me Merry Christmas on December 1st. There was too much Christmas spirit for its own good, and yet (excuse the cliche) no one knew the true meaning of it. The truth is, I became actively annoyed at the way the Chinese were so obsessive about something they knew nothing about. When I told my class that not everybody in America celebrates Christmas, I was greeted with looks of shock (both from the students and fellow Chinese teachers). I went on to tell them that only Christians celebrate the holiday, and they grew even more confused. I'm not one to prostelitize so I didn't go into any details with the children, but seriously, if Christmas is going to be shoved down the nation's throat then people should at least be somewhat informed about what they hell they're celebrating!

My family came to visit me during Christmas, and for Christmas Eve we went with several friends to an all you can eat/drink dinner at the Marriott hotel. At the door we were all given whistles and noisemakers. Girls were walking around with party hats and light-up devil horns. The place looked like it was celebrating New Year's, which was probably because the Chinese view Christmas more in keeping with a New Year's celebration than a religious holiday. Don't get me wrong, I got drunk and had a lot of fun, but its not Christmas!

When we finished our meal we headed out to attend midnight mass, but the place was so packed it was impossible to get near the entrance, let alone inside. I had heard that it was popular for the Chinese to go to church just to check out what the actual meaning of Christmas was all about, and I actually got tickets in advance to 'guarantee' us a spot, but apparently that wasn't enough. It's great that it was so full, but how many of those people were there for actual religious reasons? My guess would be about half, with the other half crowding into the church just to be able to say they were a part of the Christmas celebration. That left many people who actually celebrated the holiday correctly out in the cold...

Anyways, I'll stop this rant now and leave you all with a video of my favorite class dancing to Christmas carols- enjoy!

Fake Hobos?

This past week has seen an increase in the number of encounters I've had with homeless people. I don't know if its because I haven't done my laundry in a few weeks and my re-worn clothing is producing a comforting, relatable odor to them, but for some reason these people are honing in on me at an alarming rate. I consider myself a fairly generous person, and I'll try to give a few kuai here and there (especially if it’s a woman with a child), but this constant bombardment is starting to get annoying. My one issue is when a homeless person decides to touch me- I'm fine with you asking me for money, but once you start grabbing and tugging at me it gets really annoying and there's no way I'm going to give you anything. Well, thanks to these beggars’s new-found level of comfort with me, the tugging is up. This Friday, I got Mexican food in Sanlitun with Estee, and since we ordered way too much food we needed to take some food to go. As we walked back home, a homeless woman came up to me and started asking for money. I ignored her, so she started tugging on my sleeve. I told her to go away, so she grabs my bag of food and starts tugging on it! This has never happened to me before, and the gumption of her trying to steal my food made me laugh more than anything else, but I still needed to pull my food back from out of her hands and tell her to beat it. THE GUMPTION!

I was riding an escalator a few days ago, and a homeless guy riding in front of me decides it’s a good time to pass out and fall backwards on top of me. I could have moved out of the way, but he probably would have died, so instead I supported him until we got to the top of the escalator. He was just drunk, and once we got off he was good to go, but it took several hours before the sweat smell of shit came off my gloves. THE GUMPTION!

Considering the huge number of people living here in Beijing, there are actually very few homeless on the streets. I know the government cleared the city of pretty much all homeless folk during the Olympics, but now that the summer games have been over for a few months it appears they are slowly making their return back to their old stomping grounds. I had assumed the government had just killed them all, but apparently they were just shipped out of the city for a few months. Anyways, I was talking to my Chinese friend Zhangyi the other day about homeless people, and to my surprise he told me that most of the homeless people on the street were just actors. Apparently CCTV did a report on the homeless, and they found that most of them just dress up to appear homeless because they make a pretty good living off the generosity of Westerners. Zhangyi said that of course there are some real homeless people, but you can't tell who is real and who isn't, so most Chinese just ignore them all. CCTV is controlled by the government, and so you need to take everything they say with a grain of salt, but that is a pretty ridiculous accusation to make. Are you really telling me that begging is so profitable that people are willing to wander the cold Beijing streets day and night dressed up as a bum? Did someone really make a conscious decision to smell like shit and pass out on top of me? If that’s the case, that guys a real asshole. But seriously, what’s up with the government denying all these problems they have? Can't they just admit there is a homeless problem and work to solve it, as opposed to running stories saying that the homeless are actors?

I’m going to go do some laundry, but if I find any further information about these “fake” homeless people I’ll be sure to link it!

Sandra Oh Has A Donkey Face

So its been about a month since I've last posted on the blog, and while most of you would assume its because I've been deathly sick and incapacitated this whole time, the truth is I've just been lazy. I suppose I've been busy too, but I'll put most of the blame on me enjoying naps instead of writing. Anyways, this posting is focused on a bar conversation I had this past weekend with my old Chinese roommate Zhangyi, who I lived with when I studied in Beijing two years ago. Zhangyi is awesome, not just because he's funny, but because I can learn a lot about the Chinese culture by talking to him. This week I learned a bit about what Chinese men find attractive in women, and as you can probably guess it differs a bit from Western standards.

We can agree on at least one thing- Sandra Oh has a donkey face. But the reasoning behind her being ugly runs much deeper for the Chinese than for the average American. In fact, one of the main reasons most Chinese men feel Sandra Oh ugly applies to many women (many of whom I myself find attractive). According to Zhangyi, and of course Zhangyi speaks for the 1,000,000,000 + Chinese people in the world, something the Chinese take very seriously into account is whether or not a girl was one or two eyelids. I had never really thought about that before, and to be honest if you asked me which of my Chinese friends had one or two eyelids I don't think I could tell you. But since having that conversation I have begun observing Chinese girls more closely and have noticed that some have two eyelids and some just have one. Having two eyelids as opposed to one doesn't mean the girls don't look Asian, but there is a noticeable difference in their appearance. Take a look at the pictures to the leftt- you'll see the woman on top has one eyelid, while the woman on the bottom has two. Both are clearly Asian, but the one on the right has a bit more "puffiness" under her lower eyelid.

So, do you find one more attractive than the other? I personally don't see any difference in either of them, or at least not a noticeable enough difference to consider one better looking than the other. Still, to the Chinese (and for that matter most Asian cultures), this is a big enough difference to encourage drastic cosmetic surgery to be preformed in order to become "more beautiful." Just going online to try and find the above comparison shots lead me to many websites touting the pluses of getting Blepharoplasty, aka Double Eye-lid surgery. According to one website, approximately 75 percent of all Koreans and 50 percent of all other Asians are born without the double eyelid crease, meaning there are plenty of potential patients for this growing market! If you get a chance, read the above link- it has some very interesting viewpoints on the topic.

I asked Zhangyi if the same standards applied to men, and he told me no. Zhangyi himself has single eyelids, but he's proud of them. "I'm the only one in my family to be born with single eyelids, so I'm proud of being unique." I haven't asked any Chinese girls yet if that's true, but to be honest I don't know if I want to bring up this touchy topic or not with them.

So there you have it- Chinese men find Sandra Oh ugly in large part because she doesn't have double eyelids. Seeing that over half of the women in China also only have single eyelids, I wonder if half the population considers themselves settling down with ugly girls? Personally, and I think most Americans would agree, the eyelids aren't a factor at all, nor are some of the other traits the Chinese find attractive (such as pale skin). I'm interested to see what Chinese girls find attractive in a man- maybe that can help explain why so many Chinese girls here are dating foreigners!

Halloween, Beijing-Style!

So I feel like death right now, coughing up three months of beautiful Beijing air and hoping I don't have the black lung. Still, siting on the couch dying means I have lots more free time than I usually do, which means I'm finally putting up a new post. Today's post focuses on the joys of Halloween in China, namely what I did with my kids at kindergarten at school. The day was divided up into three parts: the first part involved me playing Halloween games with them and dancing to Halloween music, the second part involved the children running around the school in their costumes, pounding on doors and demanding candy, and finally the third part involved the parents and children gathering outside for more candy, while I was forced to dress in a creepy old man costume and scare kids. Good times!

OK so the main highlight of the first part of the day was playing Apple Bobbing with the kids. I can tell you right now, it was not a very sanitary game. The fact alone that we filled the buckets with unfiltered Beijing tap water was probably bad enough, but after 20+ kids tried to get the apples and all spit the water back up, that bucket got pretty nasty. But the bucket wasn't the only thing that got nasty- there were some rather intense matches between the children that would often end in violence! Don't believe me? Being the good teacher I am, instead of breaking up one of the fights I decided to film it instead! Some would argue this makes me a bad teacher... and to that I would probably answer touche! Now everyone can enjoy the epic Apple Bobbing battle below!



So as I said, the second part of the day involved the children running around the halls demanding candy. Like good children they all began chanting "Trick or Treat" in unison, to the degree that the teachers were so intimidated they stopped handing out the candy and instead began either throwing down the hall or at the children themselves (which would lead to the inevitable skirmishes on the floor for stray pieces of candy). God bless those little children, diving for candy as if they hadn't eaten for days! Don't think I wasn't cheering them on!

The third part of the day was an odd one. I was told to dress as an old man and limp around the campus grounds, handing candy out to everyone who approached me. I guess I did a little too good a job, as I made several children cry, and it was mainly parents getting the candy for their cowering kids. Estee, on the other hand, was asked to dress up as Snow White with a mask on, as to conceal her true identity. This whole thing didn't make much sense, but the kids had a long of fun (minus the ones that encountered me)! Estee was placed on a balcony, where she waved like the queen of England and threw candy down to the kids below. Here's a video of that madness:

Alrighty that's all I've got in me for posting today. I can't wait to go to school tomorrow and show the kids just how sick I am...